Fear

I used to believe that if I were to take things slowly and work my way through every single problem in my mind before putting it into practice. I would come up with all the possible outcomes and prepare contingencies for every obstacle that I would potentially face. Even in my writing I would think about the ramifications of the words that I’m putting down on screen. What would the comments be like, would it influence the way others look at me or would these words live on and create a lasting legacy?

While it’s admirable to think of my own works living on beyond me, the bigger fear is what if these works never leave my corporeal body in the first place? Ideas and words forever encased between the solid bony structure that is my skull? Would the fear of my works never materializing or ever taking form spur me into taking action? Or does the fear of rejection threaten to dominate over my mental faculties?

Fear itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a natural bodily function that helps keep us alive by warning us of dangers that threaten our lives. It kept our ancestors alive when they lived in environments that housed dangerous wild animals and unknown flora and fauna. It’s the gut feeling people have when dealing with shady individuals or harmful situations. These are situations that are life-threatening.

While there are still some parts of the world that still see these life-threatening situations such as warzones or the random crime that causes fatalities, for the majority of us we’re very fortunate that we live in environments that are relatively safe compared to those and our fears are mostly learnt and not experienced. Whether it’s through nurture or societal expectations, our fears are mostly psychological instead of physical. This in turn led us to develop anxiety and phobias.

This is a very wide topic that I’m not going to be able to cover all the bases in a short, unresearched piece of writing. But suffice it to say that most of our fears today revolve around our perception of how others view us. Everyone out there has a different view of who we are. Our spouses, children, co-workers, friends. All different. Each of them is a different piece of you that you’ve shown them or that they’ve manufactured from what they’ve heard of you from others and everyone will have an opinion of you. It’s crippling right? That weight of opinions and judgment on you. It’s almost like giving everyone a pistol or a knife to harm you at every moment. Everyone is treated like the school crush that you hope would reciprocate your affections. It’s mortifying.

The other day I saw a child writing of her own volition. No judgment or expectation of proficiency. She just wanted to write what she wanted. A part of me wondered if I inserted myself into her world, would she become a better writer or would her creativity be held back by my expectations? As they say, ignorance is bliss and perhaps if it was a path she wants to pursue I could help her. But for the time being, I should let her be a child and enjoy a creative outlet without too many restrictions. I didn’t want to impose my expectations on her the way I would impose them on myself.

It’s why listening to “experts” too early for advice in our creative journey is a double-edged sword. On one hand, we’re gaining inspiration and a roadmap down a journal that we’re keen on following. On the other hand, we might inherit the fears of the person imparting their advice. We’re limiting our growth and capabilities based on the experiences of another before we’ve started expanding our vision.

I was watching the anime Solo Leveling and early on in the show, one of the early story arcs for the main protagonist, Sung Jin-woo, is him learning how to push beyond what has already been established. In the world he lives in, there are hunters and monsters and these groups have ranks. The higher the rank, the more powerful that entity is. Jin-woo at the start of the story is E-rank and is the weakest out of all the hunters and we keep hearing about how a lower ranked hunter will never defeat a monster that is higher ranked than them. After Jin-woo unlocks his leveling abilities — causes solo leveling, get it? — he has to unlearn what he has learnt throughout his life. That these ranks are the hard and fast rule of who wins in combat and even though he was getting more powerful, the major hurdle he had to overcome is his own fixed mindset. That fear of higher ranks because he thinks that no matter the situation, those ranks define him and have already predicted the outcome.

In the same way, for a lot of us and myself included, is our beliefs that have been instilled in ourselves since we’re young. Our preconceived notions of how people will judge us. Instead of focusing on building what we can, we allow the voices in our heads to stop ourselves before we’ve even laid the first brick. That others will say that our work is bad and we shouldn’t even try, allowing fear of failure to control us. Start, begin, do the hard work, but most importantly, be fearless in your endeavors.