Purpose

September was a rough month for me. I’m currently in between jobs and trying to figure out what to do next. When you’ve spent your life funneled from one situation to the next, you get comfortable with others making decisions for you. It feels safe and you absolve yourself of any responsibility when things don’t go right. But now that I’m in a position to forge my own path, it’s frightening and I’m paralyzed when I have to start making choices on what I should do with my life.

So I do what a lot of people my age and younger do when we’re left wandering and aimless. I pick up my phone and start doom-scrolling. Hoping that any of the social media algorithms would be able to sense my unspoken distress and recommend me videos from some motivational speaker to shake me out of my malaise.

One of the things that came back to me over and over again was “purpose”. Whether it was referenced directly or a foreign word repackaged by some motivation guru like “ikigai”, “purpose” usually came out on top as a way to motivate oneself into action. And that was the question that I was and still battling with. What is my purpose? How do I find it? Have I found it?

A recurring view to find one's purpose is to place oneself in a situation that forces self-reflection — something the modern world, with its constant stimulation, actively discourages. By looking at our phones or seeking external pleasures whenever we feel bored, we rob ourselves of the opportunity of stepping into the ring and going toe to toe with our inner selves.

Imagine yourself as your favorite Shonen manga character, what if you never found yourself near death’s door or facing defeat against an insurmountable threat. Thus never needing to seek new powers or strengthening yourselves. Would you consider yourself an interesting protagonist if you remained the same from the start of the story until the end?

I languish and squander whatever advantage I had as I sit comfortably at home. I choose safer options and shy away from challenging myself. I allow myself to atrophy and grow fat from inaction. Which was why it was particularly difficult when I had to face my inadequacies over the past month.

But even after a month of soul-searching, I had hoped for concrete “purposes” like “go to Japan” or “be a public speaker”. Instead, all I got were vague concepts. Images such as “integrity” or “value” kept recurring in my mind.

While I hoped for a more direct answer or a clearer direction, perhaps the discovery of my “purpose” is part of the journey. I’m not meant to have the whole picture in my hands right now but only clues that lead me to where I should look and from there I have to do the work of sifting through the dirt to uncover the gold lying underneath.

Perhaps, at the end of the day, that is what “purpose” truly is. The discovery of our purpose in life. A life-long journey of starts and stops. Of wrong turns and lost opportunities. A life lived.